Back in July of 1992, my son
Josh had just turned 2 years old and was getting pretty good at forming his own
language; Mostly English but with some fancy fast talking jabber added in for
good conversation, ending each sentence with either a good hardy laugh or a
wrinkled nose and pursed lips showing disapproval. (He didn't pick that up from
me....smile.) On one particular day, July 14th, he was playing on the couch,
wearing only his diaper, while his Nanny, Suzi, sat next to him trying to get
his interest in a children's program on the television. Some of his attention
was on the program, and the other with some toys he had with him. All was fine
as this was a regular daily routine before he was laid down to take a nap,
except during this afternoon, something very unusual took place.
He stood up on the couch,
which was a sectional, and was leaning against the back facing the front door,
his eyebrows pushed together with a look of concentration as he stared at
something by the door way. Suzi looked over her shoulder several times and back
at Josh to see if she could figure out what he was staring at when all of a
sudden his face erupted in a big grin and he started laughing. His hands were on
the back of the couch for balance, and he was pulling back his belly, away from
the cushions almost bending over, as if to get away from some unseen hands that
where 'tickling' him. Peals of giggles filled the air, as he seemed to try and
get away from the 'hands' that were not there. He fell down on the cushions and
rolled around with uncontrollable laughter. Suzi couldn't help but smile herself
at hearing this honest display of hysterical cackling. The tickling seemed to
stop as suddenly as it had began, and he took a few moments to catch his breath,
pushing back more giggles in between gasps of air. Then he got back up and stood
facing thin air again and began jabbering away at 'someone'. She could make out
some of the quick retorted words, like, 'no pain', 'going home', 'seeing paw paw
Gene' and 'bye bye Tickie, love you'. He blew kiss's and waved goodbye then
turned around to resume playing with his toys. Suzi asked him who he was talking
too and he said, "Tickie". She just thought maybe he was mocking a conversation
that he may have had with her a week before during a visit. Tickie was my
husband's ex-mother in law, but in spite of all the cliche's about ex's, we all
got along wonderfully and would visit back and forth often.
When I got home from work,
which was within 30 minutes of this event, Suzi updated me on the days
activities and any new things he may have said or done, things working mothers
miss as their babies grow up. Before she was finished Josh chimed in, pulling on
my pants leg, "I saw Tickie". I thought maybe she had popped by for a visit but
Suzi quickly corrected him saying, "No, you pretended you saw her, Josh, she
really wasn't here." Then she explained how he carried on a conversation with 'Tickie'
by the couch, telling me what she thought she heard him say. But, Josh was
adamant, "No, I saw Tickie!" he said pursing those eyebrows and lips together
forming a defiant look. I reached down and picked him up, sitting him on my hip.
He took his two little hands and put them on my cheeks, holding my face in place
in front of his, squeezing my cheeks together and said, (and I will print out
the English parts...smile) "She's home now.......Tickie tickle me.....she saw
paw paw....no more pain....Ok?", and then again, "Ok?". I nodded my head 'yes'
in understanding, thinking that he really has a vivid imagination, and then the
phone rang.
It was one of Tickie's
neighbors who was trying to get a hold of family members. They had found her
passed away laying down on her carport.
Tears filled my eyes as I
turned to look at Josh, who was still sitting curved around my waist. He gave me
a hug while I was still on the phone and whispered, "It ok mommy, Tickie home
now."
*****
A few weeks after the above incident, one of Suzi's friends came over for a
visit while she was watching Josh. As soon as she came in, Josh lost interest in
his toys and looked up at her, beginning to stare. Suzi introduced Josh to Kim,
expecting him to start up a conversation as he always did, but he continued to
stare at her. Reaching down to pick him up, Suzi asked what was wrong, 'Little
Man'. He put one arm around her neck and used his other hand to point at Kim,
and with very clear words, slowly spoken with sadness, he said, "You're
boyfriend don't play with guns...he was murdered."
The two women locked eyes instantly. Suzi was shocked and confused as to what he
meant and where in the world did he come up with the word 'murder', but her
friend seemed to understand as tears welled up in her eyes. Apologizing, Suzi
took Josh down the hall to his room to lay him down for a nap. At the same time
he kept looking at Kim over Suzi's shoulder, pointing his finger at her and
saying, "He still love you,...he don't play with guns....he was murdered."
Kim was in the kitchen with her hands covering her eyes. Old memories came
flooding back and she told Suzi about a man she had been in love with and had
talked about marrying years ago. He was found dead in his home with a gun in his
hand and the authorities ruled it a suicide. She never believed it, nor did his
family, and they all tried earnestly to get the local law enforcement to
investigate more thoroughly but to no avail.
Weeks later Kim revealed to Suzi that what Josh had said eased her own personal
pain, explaining that families and friends that have to face such traumatic
events, as a loved one that has committed suicide, always go thru life with an
individual guilt. In this strange twist, mere words from a two year old, erased
that guilt from her heart.
To this day the man's death is still ruled a suicide and the law enforcement
never did re-open the case.
*****
In October of this same year,
1992, many members of my family were in St. Louis to celebrate Grandma Lola's
birthday. We had traveled from all parts of the US to form a brief family
reunion of sorts. Josh was sitting on grandma's lap in the sun room playing
pat-a-cake, while many of us where in the kitchen busy cooking. Both rooms were
connected, and being a small home, Josh and Lola's antics could be heard quite
well. Their laughs and giggles filled the air along with several other
conversations between family members, a beautiful mixture of voices.
I was the first to
notice the silence coming from the sun room. A mothers instinct I guess, when at
times they fail to hear their child's constant voice, it usually means something
is wrong, something else caught their attention or they are up to no good. Every
one else continued talking to each other in the kitchen as I waited for some
familiar sounds.
Less then a minute passed
when I heard grandma say, "What 's the matter, Josh, what's wrong?" I turned to
go into the room and stood in the threshold watching Josh sit motionless in her
lap, just staring at her, his little hands holding her cheeks gently. Several
other members of the family got curious, stopped yakking and came to stand
beside me to see what was going on. Again she asked him, "What's wrong sweety?".
His face soften slightly and a serene smile came across his face that was now
tilted to one side, his eyes searching deep into her's, his little fingers
tracing the wrinkles in her face with the carefulness of touching tissue paper.
The setting was tranquil, a peaceful bliss between grandchild and grandmother, a
silent dedication of admiration and love.
"You're going to die, Gams", Josh said out of the blue. Everyone took a breath
and held it. Grandma, or Gams as Josh called her, tried to relax a bit and told
him, "Well, Josh, everyone dies sometime".
He shook his head 'no' in a modest way, and added, "You're going to die soon,
Gams, at Santy Claus time". His head came forward and rested his nose upon hers
and wiggled it back and forth across her supple skin, giving her an Eskimo kiss,
something I taught him back before he could walk,while saying, 'let's rub noses
like the Eskimoses'. Just as all of us began to breathe again from the mild
shock of Josh's declaration, once more he overwhelmed the audience that was
watching this scene unfold, as well as Lola whom was a bit dazed at his
statement.
"Little Billy is waiting for you", he uttered while still touching her nose to
his. She withdrew backward in mild amazement, wondering how he could have known
about Billy, a son she had many decades before that had passed away at four
years of age. I came forward and took Josh from her lap, breaking the spell that
held them together. Everyone stirred uneasily, not knowing quite what to say,
while they backed up away from me as I carried Josh to another room. It took a
few moments for new conversations to strike up, but I was relieved to have the
attention off Josh, with no questions asked.
Although she had been in her early 80's, she was a healthy woman with a sound
mind, but two months later, on December 23rd, Grandma Lola passed away.
-Jan Thompson.